You Can't Be Afraid of Life

 You can't be afraid of life.  Mom said this to me in one of the last conversations we had.   She passed away yesterday.  My mom and I have always been very close, but over the last eight weeks of medical trials and turbulations, we became closer yet, and left nothing unsaid.

 My mom was a fighter.  She fought MS for over four decades, and did so with incredible positivity, strength and endurance.  She was always looking for ways to laugh and find joy.  She surrounded herself with groups of friends whom she shared a wide variety of interests with and who she loved dearly. She was married to the love of her life, my father, for almost 56 years.  She was a role model for taking life by the horns and doing all you can regardless of its challenges.  She was not done yet, but sadly her body gave out long before her spirit.  It is that spirit that will live on in her family and those who knew and loved her.  

August 365 Project and Update

 

August was a hot and busy month.  I jumped into my photography project with an open heart, and that allowed me to find some center in a crazy and emotional month.  I spent three weeks in California, as my mom has been in the hospital.  Things are finally beginning to look up, and for that I am deeply greatful.  There is a long recovery ahead, but one thing about my mom; she is the strongest person I know. 

 If you would like to see the whole collection of photos from August, you can find them on Instagram.

Food & Family = Home

As always our New Year began with our Tastebuds preparing brunch together.  This year was a bit bittersweet as there was a hole in our gathering without our dear friends who moved last summer.  It was a relaxed day with quiet conversations, kids playing, and food preparation.  We each fell into our roles, prepped food, helped where needed without a word or a need for asking.  It is really interesting how a group can begin to anticipate over the years and just click in place.   It was Mastering the Art of French Cooking (as we had all watched in the movie Julie and Julia), that had inspired our group to begin with oh so many years ago.  So we always begin each new year with Julia's Formage Souffle.

Our theme for the brunch was food as good luck symbols for the new year.  We had a pulled pork with chipotle apple butter panini, cheesy polenta topped with collard greens and lentils, oyster hush puppies, and finished with eating 12 grapes and molten chocolate cakes.

I transitioned the house from being peppered with holiday cheer, to warmed with winter white candlelight.  The trees are down, and only a few snowmen and white glittered pine cones sparkle in the flickering light.  There is a clean simplicity that happens when you transition into the new year, one that has many blank pages to be colored on and written in.   For me, home is comfort.  It is filled with food and laughter and always has family, of all stripes, at its center.

#100HappyDays :: Day 18

We made a lot of great memories in New York with my brother's family yesterday.  We got the best of both worlds when traveling with four kids.  Parts of the city were surprisingly not crowded allowing for a slower paced enjoyment, while other areas were more typical in my previous, albeit brief experiences in New York.

Upon initially asking the kids what there favorite part was when we got home, Charles loved the feel of the city first coming out of the train station, and climbing the rocks at Central Park the best.  Sid loved the street vendors selling artsy jewelry, graphic tees and artwork, and said her favorite place was FAO Schwartz.  That both surprised me and made me smile, this girl so much grown up, but also eager to maintain her carefree imagination.

I have some great shots from the day, and I do not typically appreciate blurred images, rather many times they irritate me.  However, two of my favorite pictures from the day were blurred, a softened image of the day.  Much as memories soften, happy images to look back on.

what i want my children to know #3

family is sacred.  both your biological family, and your family of closest friends.  honor those relationships, they will sustain you throughout your lifetime.

inspired by kamana at capturing joy everyday

Grandpa's Voice

The last several days have been filled with hurried plans, remembrances, reunion, laughter and love.  Though I sit here tonight with tears once again pricking my eyes, I remind myself that a vivid, bold, and very long life indeed should be bringing tears of joy rather than sadness.  I suppose I am especially nostalgic as grandpa was my last living grandparent, so an important part of my life is now silent.

The time in California was peppered with little gifts from grandpa....  the above Sunrise for one.  The valuable time with my brother and his family which drew us that much closer.  The early morning song of an owl the morning of his funeral that both B and I heard and smiled at his goodbye to us.

I am thankful that I saw grandpa a few weeks ago at Christmas, his last words and sentiments to me were on a repeat in my head the entire flight home.  My brother Billy and I were asked to say a few words of remembrance at the grave site.  I hardly remember doing it now, and am not sure how coherent I was with the sobs that I could hardly choke down.  This was what I hope that I relayed.

Grandpa's voice was so special to me for many reasons.  The timber of his speech was a sound that I have never heard from anyone else, and I can still hear vividly in my mind.  Whether it be his effusive smiles and laughter, always ready to say 'cheese, cheese, cheese' while posing for a picture, or the immense experience that he could draw from for his amazing stories, or his no-nonsense advice, Grandpa's voice will stay with me forever.

Even The Bees

I have been somewhat absent this week, but along with work, busy school and sports schedules, and hosting a birthday party, we have family in town visiting.  It  has been a week of very cool temperatures and almost constant overcast skies with drizzle.  Though it was not the best for outdoor activities we have managed to escape, stay busy and enjoy one another.

Today for the first time all week we have real sunshine.  Perfect for soccer if not for the 22 mph sustained winds, making for a blustery hour.  Despite the wind we are basking in the sunny 62 degrees, soaking up as much Vitamin D as possible.  Even the bees who have been cooped up all week and are not fond of gusty wind are out and about coming home with legs caked full of pollen.  Aaahchooo Ah Spring!

All of Our Different Families

We are very fortunate that we can spend the holidays with each of our families.  We made a very important commitment over 20 years ago, that family was an a-number one priority to us.  This became even more intensely so when the kids were born and our business moved us further from both families.  We try to alternate, and this year we are in California with my family for Thanksgiving, and we will be spending Christmas with B's.  It can be hectic, but we have never had a second thought.  This dedication to family is something we want our kids to be acutely familiar with and hopefully emulate.  A nice byproduct of this is they get concentrated spurts of quality bonding time with each family.

Beyond that we have another special family, that of our friends and support system at home.  Any other special days are always peppered with these amazing people.  We laugh, cry, cook, eat, joke, listen, wax philosophical and cook some more.  I know that our siblings also have similar support groups of family-like friends and these relationships are such a gift for all of us.

I am truly thankful for all of our different families.  Wishing you a blessed Thanksgiving, full of amazing food, drink, lively conversation (possibly inspired by said drink), and most importantly family of all sorts.  xo

**A special thank you to my dedicated readers for all of your support and comments, it appears that I blew past 60,000 hits this week while taking a break.  A Happy Thanksgiving to you!

The Bones That Hold Us Together (Thanksgiving Comes First)

It is hard to believe that it is that time of year again already!  As I looked back through my posts of the previous three years, I noticed that each year, the date of this post is a little earlier.  It is no wonder that today's installment is ten days earlier.  It seems the announcements bombard us daily of retailers joining in on the Thanksgiving Day openings.   I by no means shun the excitement of the holidays.  I have even, for the sake of planning and budgeting, purchased a smattering of Christmas presents since the beginning of summer, when I had some lovely crochet work done for all of the kiddos in my family.

But seriously folks, to me the magic of the holidays really begin with the last exhale of summer and when we are well into the new school year. It is late fall, leaves changing and flying through the air, cooler temperatures, light changes, Halloween.  Each of these things build on one another. There is a general sense of hunkering down, turning inwards towards family and the wonder that comes this time of year.

However, it seems the core concept of this season of giving is all but blotted out in a retail frenzy.  A number of retailers all over the country (the most recent one announced this morning, Kohls) have made the decision that Black Friday just is not enough.  They are opening their doors on Thanksgiving, calling employees in to work, and all but obliterating the family holiday.  Why?  To entice the public out to spend more money than they probably should all so that year end consumer spending shows growth?  Maybe getting back to building strong families would do wonders for the confidence of our population and there would be less reason to fill our worlds with loads and loads of stuff.  Again, I am not anti-holiday, nor am I anti-gift giving.  I am simply anti-rush.  Why can't we take things as they come and enjoy them individually for what they are.  Maybe the lessons that we should be teaching our children involve slowing down and appreciating what is going on around us in that moment.

 I am reading a wonderful book right now called The School of Essential Ingredients.  One of the chapters that I read last night had a Thanksgiving theme.  I loved this quote:

"I believe in traditions--they hold us together, like bones--but it can be easy to forget what they are really about.  Sometimes we need to look from a different perspective to find them again."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone took a minute to think about what bones we want to hold us together?

If you would like to take a peak of my previous Thanksgiving Comes First posts, they are here, here and here.  Thanks to Suldog for hosting this every year, and please feel free to join in!

To Everything A Season

For the last couple of days I have been in California, having traveled home for the celebration of my grandmother's life. After the services yesterday and reviewing of pictures today, it struck me how perfectly representative of life this weekend is. Flashes of memories coupled with laughter and tears, re-connections, the life energy of children running and climbing on the adults who in some cases saw each other last as children themselves. I had forgotten how large our family is, and how family, regardless of time is utterly connected. From our patriarch in mourning after almost 73 years of marriage, to the newly walking, to the bride to be, this weekend is a perfect representation of the circle of life.

I'm Here!

::  just busy enjoying time with visiting family

::  prepping for Halloween

::  taking the first steps in a new business venture ~ I must be insane! ;)

::  readying for the last two away games of this half of the soccer season, then a break

::  soaking up the extraordinary late fall light

Happy weekend my friends!

Legacy~ In Life & In Art

A year ago, my gram joined grandpa.  She left a wonderful legacy.  Two children, two grandchildren, four great-grandchildren.  I flash moment to moment on scenes from childhood and weekly evenings spending the night, to adulthood chatting on the phone, to parenthood watching her crawl on the floor with the new babies (no matter her age, or how frail, she would get down on the floor, play, and take such joy in being with the babies.).

A local photographer by the name of Tom Johnson happened upon the above scene one day.  He was out photographing his hometown, Lakewood, California.  Putting together a photographic display depicting life in this place he loves.  One day he saw this elderly woman, dressed for a day out, watering the grass.  Unable to find a garden glove, in advancing stages of dementia, gram didn't let that stop her as she protected her hand with an oven mitt.

Legacy.  Gram and grandpa moved to California from South Dakota during the Dust bowl.  They would travel home to visit relatives with their young family and to visit friends and family in and around California.  But their time was not spent traveling afar.  It was spent creating and nurturing a family.  Now, gram has been on exhibit all over the world.  Most recently in a show in San Diego where the photo of her was picked by an associate curator of the Getty.  This week she is in part of the display opening in Paris.

In life and in art, gram's impact is immeasurable. 

Please do read the link about Tom's encounter with my grandmother.

A Guest Post From B

A short time ago, a friend of ours who is spear-heading a co-op grocery in our town, asked for B to write a little bio about what has led us to what we do, what inspires us to be so excited about the prospect of the Wild Root Market, and why we want to be founding members.  He spent a lot of time contemplating his responses to her prompts and I was so impressed with what he ended up with.  Here is his bio...


My journey from conspicuous consumer to semi self-sustaining loca-vore.

After my father passed away at an early age my mother would take us on summer long car vacations, often visiting as many as 15 states as we "cousined" our way around the south.  One of my favorite stops  was my cousin Russell Ray's farm in Shorter, Alabama.  There were tractors, horses, all nature of fowl and hound roaming about and did I mention tractors? These  idealistic rural experiences at such a young age instilled in me a sense of awe about rural  life.

"If my mom ever gets married again, please let it be to a farmer." I hoped.
Well, she did!

My life is certainly richer for the experience of working on large industrial style family farm.   Being a jack of all trades and knowing in a very real way what "hard" work means are valuable everyday. But, suffice it to say that reality did not match the bucolic fantasy that had been percolating in my brain.  Apparently my childhood vision of the agrarian life went out of style a few generations before I was born (think "The Waltons"). I couldn't have been happier to shake the Kansas dust off my shoes and seek my own way in the world.

So, off I went, matriculating my way through college, veterinary school, first job as a professional person, marriage, home ownership (many times), parenthood, business ownership and so on.   But, as the now WE gained what I hope is some modicum of wisdom about life and how we all fit together in the world and affect it for good or bad, the desire to grow and fix and build things with OUR hands  was always there.  In fact, those passions started to look like a  fine way for one to journey through life. Whether  we satisfied that itch by  landscaping and gardening in the several suburban properties we have called home, by converting  a room or garage into a shop in which to build "stuff" or by talking and dreaming about what would constitute our ideal home.  The sun was going to warm our skin and dirt was going to take up permanent residence under our finger nails.

Then the whole thing finally gelled one afternoon while I was indulging another of my favorite activities, exploring our fine corner of the state on my bicycle.  I'm not the head down go till it hurts kind of cyclist, at least not all the time.  I like to take note of the flora and fauna and all the different places people call home.  While approaching an intersection in Franksville, I noticed a For Sale sign on a neat little farmhouse complete with a barn, dairy building  and silo.  This was a Friday afternoon, we signed the contract the next Wednesday.  We have the good fortune to become the "next" family to become the caretakers of this 120+ year old farmstead on six acres.

Jumping out of the dream and into the reality of exploring a more self-sufficient relationship with what we eat and the impact we have on the earth has opened the door to a wider community of like minded people.

The punchline is that we did this to our selves to fulfill an unrequited childhood fantasy of mine.  That is certainly an over simplification,  but to see that fantasy flesh itself out every time I step through the door is surely inspiration to continue to explore how much we can do for ourselves.

Letting Off Some Steam

It has been a crazy busy weekend with prep, soccer, family coming into town, rain and blustery cold (you know it's bad when the weather where my SIL originated from in Portland was MUCH nicer than here)!

So after more than two hours in church this morning and after a two hour rehearsal yesterday, these second grade first communicants needed to let off some steam!

It was a full day, and this evening, though incredibly windy, the sun has come through! Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

Time To Get Moving!

 Taken a couple of weeks ago, I do long for some snow now!

I was back to work today.  The scramble of completing year end paperwork coupled with a few full moon-esque crazy things, really made me appreciate how I entered the new year.  With my family,  great food, and a couple quiet days (so unlike me)! 

Now, I'm ready for more!  Well, actually that's code for, the gift card that I got for the fabric store is burning a hole in my pocket.  My breath was taken away by julochka, deciding to begin a new quilt on 1/1 and having the top completed on 1/3!  Oh and having a fleece backing...I'm in heaven!  Yikes, I gotta get moving, the year is passing me by! 

There are so many things I want to do, there is no time like the present!  

I have got film and fabric to buy,

sewing to be done and taught, 

tea to be drank, 

money to be saved (maybe a blog camp in my future, someday, maybe sooner than later), 

reading to be done (I promise I will make it to book club more often this year), 

of course the kids are always a central focus and source of joy, 

and then the homestead, 

the dream.  

Oh 2011 will be a good year!

Creating Dreams

As we turn our attentions indoors, we have gone from garden planting, nurturing, harvesting and preserving to planning, and dreaming.  I'm only thinking of this now because last night I caught a glimpse of one of our kitchen chalk boards.  We had it loaded with goals early this spring and had crossed them all off!  So a month or so ago, I began to refill it.  When I saw it last night I excitedly realized that I could cross two of the items off already.  Never fear, I added two more, and since I began writing this post, can add another two.  

We will enjoy Christmas and the New Year with loads of traditions and love.  Our planning/dreaming process will not start in earnest until mid January.   It is at this time that the cold and snow will have truly set in and we will be antsy to be productive.  What is so amazingly fun about this time of year is that I can look back on all of the crazy things we planned last year and see just how much of it we accomplished.  This type of reinforcement further bolsters our ambitions.  I so look forward to many years of this as we create our dream~ our homestead.

How Was Your Thanksgiving?

We are back, settled (transferred all of the photos), and had a great trip!  We spent Monday at the zoo and it was a great day.  I'd say the only hitch was it was supposed to be 60 and it was 40 and windy.  It certainly made running between the indoor exhibits a priority!

I think the zoo was a great pace setter for our trip.  Full of colorful family moments, beautiful light and quite contemplation. Add in a few batty excursions, waterfalls of conversation, and eating an amazing meal~ Perfect!  How was your Thanksgiving?

Busy Hands

When I was pregnant with Sidney, I made this for Gram for Christmas.  At the time it was so true to me that her hands were always busy, almost tornadic with keeping the house, being a life-force as a volunteer and a matriarch to our family.  I have always had this inner cyclone in myself too.  I approach everything at break-neck speed in my life. 

Our little farmstead has a few key pieces of furniture that we've purchased, but mostly is a conglomeration of important family pieces we've acquired along the way.  I have all of Great-Uncle Orville's "knock down" furniture,  Clocks from B's grandparents, our kitchen table from my parents was my childhood dining room table, and artwork from all over the family.  The cross-stitch has now come back into my hands, and many other items from her house are soon to follow.  I feel her presence as I heft our furniture all over the house and clean preparing for the arrival of items that I have memories of from the earliest of ages.

I love that we can share so much of our childhood with our children.  As we create memories with our family, I so love that we can add to the story and history of so many items that have seen our families through generations. 

Work Ethic

I spent the weekend with Sidney in Madison at a Suzuki Strings Workshop. It was a great time for mother/daughter, daughter/instructor, assistant teacher (me)/daughter, and assistant teacher/instructor. I found the guest instructor especially inspirational. He also runs the childhood developmental psychology department at the university where he teaches. I love the Suzuki method of instruction and am learning that it is not only a way to approach teaching how to love and play music. It is also a valuable tool in parenting, and recognizing developmental cues in how to approach your child.

There were many key tag-lines all which are applied in violin lessons, but can also be appreciated more broadly as a parent navigating your child through many things.

**Listen everyday and watch for their self-corrections and praise those.

**Abandonment and independence don't belong in the same sentence.

**Ownership happens over time in snapshots, pieces of moment to moment.

**Many times a question asked already has an answer attached to it, so answer a question with a question.

**As a parent you need to find that balance between desertion and micro-managing.

Sidney wanted to go to this workshop. Even if this meant that she was on the young end or the only one from her class there, that was OK. She lights up when she hears a violin. This doesn't mean that we don't have the same practice struggles as other families, she just really seems to dig it. Unlike me at her age, nerves when playing haven't been an issue for her. She's never fretted over a solo, she just enjoys it. Now, she will get bug eyed and nervous when unprepared, but we had a repertoire and reviewed pieces all week. The big payoff was playing at the capitol rotunda today.

This morning after her first session Sid doubled over with stomach pain. She couldn't rehearse for the performance at the Capitol and was devastated. No mom, it's not nerves, I just don't feel good. I can't stand up for long without having to sit down, my stomach hurts! Should we leave or wait to see if it passes? Every time I tried to mention leaving she would begin to sob and hyperventilate. It was a bad scene. When the final rehearsal was happening and we were outside the room sitting on the floor, she would just break down when they played a song she was supposed to be playing. Finally, after waiting until it was time to head over for the recital she said she couldn't stand to play, I said well, lets head home. We got in the car and she began to sob again. We decided to find parking again and she wanted to just go in, see the inside of the capitol, sit and listen.

We found a spot for her to sit on the floor and she asked for me to find her instructor and tell her. I'm often amazed at Ms. Melzer, at how well she handles the kids. She's tuning violins for the performance and I approach her and let her know what's going on. She stops, and walks across the rotunda to Sidney and lets her know it's OK. She'll get to play here again and she has to take care of herself now. If at any point she feels like getting up and playing even part of a song, she's welcome to and she can leave at anytime.

The older kids begin to play and she decides she'll sit on the floor and just play one song when it comes to her levels playing turn. She then plays all of the songs, through sheer will. Instead of bows, she sits on the floor and rocks between songs, then pulls herself together gets up and finishes. She really wanted this. I spent 2 hours wringing my hands and battling what to do, but she wanted to stay. She had wanted to go so bad. She finished through pure will and what will for her be a defining moment in developing her work ethic. I'm so proud of her!

This truly was a moment that converged and like mentioned above she took ownership.